Thursday, January 19, 2012

Note to Self

An old personal note from when I was 24 and had started my first real fulltime job at the brand spankin' new Deloitte & Touche office in Tulsa, Oklahoma, USA. I had been living by myself in America since I was 18, and I would continue to be there for another 3 years.

Another Moment of Awkwardness

India, Oman, the USA. Where do I fit in? Am I going to live my whole life like the mockingbird that I now feel like? Where is my home? Why does it feel so far away? Is this how everyone feels like, or is it just in my destiny? When shall I develop a circle of my peers? My peers, my own peers, exchange thoughts and ideas, go to the same events? I feel quite alone, although I'm less aware of it somedays. I feel like a misfit, I have always felt awkward, but I thought that things would change once I grew up. I am consistently disappointed with quality (or lack thereof) of intellectual minds around me. Where are all of my companions? Where is it all? Shall I ever fit in, be part of a group of friends and like (or unlike) minded individuals? Why do I always feel like I am on another plane most of the time? It pains me to speak to apparent peers and feel an invisible wall separating me and them by light-years of understanding. It is frustrating to be this way. It's like being in one of those nightmares where I am screaming but no one can hear me. Ugh! I express disgust!"

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Hi Khadija,
I remember you from Oklahoma State...not sure if you remember me (it's Shumi!) I just came across your blog and thought that the few posts I came across relating to life at OSU/oklahoma express feelings that I think a lot of us went through at the time and/or later. So I really felt an urge to write a comment; and wanted let you know that I think you were/and always have been definitely quite advanced in your ability to think and write. It's kind of ironic that I myself have been having similar thoughts which you were writing about when you were between 18-25; and a much later stage (30s)
Anyways, I can't remember anymore why we didn't continue to be friends at college after a certain point. And I hope there are no hard feelings. Hope all is well with you; and great writing!