Thursday, January 19, 2012

Sleepless in Tulsa

Twenty-four years old, and yet another guy had left me, this time in record time. So I continued to scribble...

Another heartbreak. I'm better now as opposed to two weeks ago, but I still have relapses. My mood swings aren't as extreme, thank goodness. I'm going to be 25 in a little over 3 months. I feel just like my teen self though. My life has changed a lot since I was 18. I could've never imagined then what'd I'd become. No way at all. My life has totally always been unexpected. It's a little frightening how some things are out of one's hands. But it's cool. I'm not complaining. Certainly my life is the scenic route. Oh but I'm still the sensitive girl. I've always been sensitive and that's made my life traumatic many times. Over the years I'd learned to portray a tough tomboyish exterior, but I know that all that's just for show. I am scared of lots of things but I try not to act on it. I make myself emotionally availabe for all external sources too many times, and that has a tendency to wrangle my nerves. Oh but my heart's still hurting, ow. I feel grief and I feel suddenly alone yet again with no equal companion to settle my soul. My heart breaks. I thought that I had found a mate to open up to. I was being myself and finally feeling fearless for the first time in my life. And now that it's gone so suddenly, my heart aches. The first day my throat was all locked and dried. My stomach sank. I felt my soul go silent. Oh why do I feel all these feelings. Why why why. Why can't I just be numbed out like the rest of the world I live with. Why am I such a misfit. Why can I not find someone to keep up with me. Why have I always felt so awkward. I never belong anywhere. I never belong. Ouch, my heart's breaking. Oh, help. Such sorrow, this is unbearable. My heart aches. Damn it, I am just a stupid girl trying to protect myself from everything by pretending to be tough. Oh, I hate pretending. I am not the same person I used to be a long time ago. Goodness gracious, my heart aches so.

Then I woke up in the middle of the night in tears and began scribbling again...

Oh, my heart. Oh, what's wrong with me. Why can I not move on. What is happening to me. I feel my soul in chains. Oh, God, please, please, help me. Help me, please, take off these chains. I feel like I cannot live. I feel like there are two people inside me. One that longs to be free, and one that just cannot be free. Oh my God, oh my God, please help me.

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