Tuesday, January 24, 2012

We're experiencing technical difficulties

I am a strong person. I believe in certain things. I have put in my time, I have paid my dues. I stand up for other people, and I stand up for myself. These are things that have rescued me from the dangers of quick-fixes and instant gratifications and superficialities. By now I have learned to rely on these things that I believe in blindly. I expect them to work the way I expect my hand to obey me when I tell it to get out whatever's fallen into my eye.

What does one do when the moral machinery of one's life fails? When something has fallen into one's eye as somethings always do, but one's hands don't obey one's commands, one's expectations anymore? Your eyes begin to water, you can't blink, you can't not blink, you feel like you have a razor blade jutting out of your eyeball, every second that it's in there feels like you are being irreparably damaged, and you can't do anything about it. You can't even breathe properly. And you're panicking. You just stand there feeling stupid and exposed, vulnerable, unable to help yourself with something so small because somewhere along the sensory and motor neural pathway something has started malfunctioning, something is preventing you from fulfilling your basic primal instinct - the ability to protect yourself, the ability to do something to minimise pain.

I don't know anymore if the things that have worked for me without fail so far and got me through times of despair work anymore. I just don't know anything anymore. It's been like this for 6 months now. I thought maybe I was exhausted and needed to get back to the things that usually recharge me, but those aren't working now. I don't really know what the point is of being born, taking all those tests through school, worrying about your face or your body, watching television, being the bigger person, pushing yourself to be the best you can be, working so hard all your life for people you don't even like, getting knocked down over and over and over again in various flavours just so you can get up everytime and get back on the hamster wheel for until the next time you fall off. One day you say, I'm tired, I don't think I want to get back up. I'll only get knocked down again anyway. Why did I have to get knocked down anyway when I was doing all the right things and putting in my time and showing up and being sincere? I must not be doing something right. Maybe it's all crap, all that stuff about teamwork and compromise and doing the right thing. At some point, when you're lying in your hamster cage with your face buried in wood shavings that smell like the litter needs to be taken out, you realise that you're tired and maybe want to keep lying in your own litter. You realise that the wheel can wait, the litter can be taken out tomorrow, that nobody was ever looking at you. You, the pathetic faceless ball of fur lying lifeless at the bottom of the cage. One day you say no, you want to be selfish, you want to say, goddammit what about me??

Then what do you do?

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